Only Once
by simba317
Summary: Some things you do only once, this is one of them. ROMY, baby! Oneshot!


**Disclaimer:** I'm not even legal yet in Canada, so what makes you think that I own something as huge and nebulous as the X-Men? (I love coming up with fun, sarcastic little disclaimers…)

**Author's Notes:** I intend for this to be a stand alone piece, a oneshot…but there can definitely be a story from this piece that can be told…

I was just sort of running story/chapter titles in my head…and this is what I came up with…'Only Once' and the plot that goes with it…fun how that works sometimes. I've got lots of extra stories waiting to be written…but I wanna do this one, for some reason, just write it, now…when there are at least five other stories that are on the back burner wanting to be written…but as I haven't even finished AME or URX…I'm reluctant to start anything else other than a one shot here and there until I finish at least one of them…which won't be for awhile, especially since I have plans for them…evil laugh! I guess it's an anniversary present to you guys, since I've been on here for about a year writing.

On a side note, please visit thexversedotcom's community and chat with us on my Remy/Rogue Appreciation Thread…it's mostly based in the movies…but it's a really cool site, and unlike the fanfic forums…there's actually people on all the time, so the threads don't die. It's a lot of fun…Rossignol and CatF are there too! Come join us. Plus, you can get the latest scoop on the movies and make your own theories and suspicions known! ; ) Oh and hop on the bandwagon and sign some petitions and write Marvel, because some things should never be touched, or at least done well...

This oneshot is gonna be sort of deep, mysterious and angsty. It's bittersweet. I would advise listening to Velvet Revolver's Loving the Alien (Sometimes), Fallto Piecesor Guns N' Roses' Don't Cry for this piece.

**Shout Outs:** I guess I'd like to dedicate this piece to some of my most loyal reviewers who've been there all the way with me and truly inspired me with your words of encouragement, wisdom, strength, enthusiasm and love…you know who you are…and I'm sorry if I miss one of you. You're truly wonderful and no words can ever describe what you really mean to me. It's only because I can't think of you off the top of my head…but don't let that mean that I don't value you just as much. So this is for ish, Cat, Nettlez (I like calling you Nettlez…rather than NMCL for some reason…), bored247, Hunza (Talk to me soon…), GothikStrawberry, Realtfarraige, KSimonT-X, and Rogue14 (I'm so sorry I put TRtF or hiatus…but you know…I just love writing conflict…I can only do fluff in small doses…I will be going back to it eventually…probably in the summer…). It's for all you Romy lovers too.

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**ONLY ONCE**

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Some things you do repeatedly, everyday, constantly, without even thinking about it, like breathing, the beating of your heart, the rushing of your blood. They're simple, malign things that you always forget about. It doesn't make them any less important, but that's not the point. You take them for granted and you're barely ever consciously aware of it.

But then, there's some things you do often, like reading a book, drawing a sketch, eating a meal, listening to music, talking to your friends. These things you remember and recall. You take them to your heart and hold on to them, and they can take you through life. They're etchings on your brain that resurface every now and then, along with everything in between.

Finally, there's things you do only once. Some of them you don't even remember because your brain blocks them out. They're that bad. But usually, it's the thing that sticks with you forever that you can never let go of, no matter how hard you try. It's something you treasure and value, protecting it with all of your power and ability, because it's much to precious. It's something you never willingly want to lose.

So I can truly say that I fell in love…only once…

* * *

"…Remy…" it's a word of sacred beauty whispered from my cracked lips.

I'm in his room, for the first time in a long time. And even in his sleeping form, his presence still soothes me, like it always used did, so long ago. It's been so long since I've been near him and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't because of him that my soul was a peace, at rest in this moment. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't love him still…But then, love is forever.

His face, in sleep, reveals so much, so much more than it ever does when he's awake. You can see his youth, his joy, his carefree ways, his rebellion, his pain, his sorrow, his anguish, his sorrow, his torment…his loss, his hope…fading…Some of the lines have become a little more apparent, but still, if anything, he's even more devastatingly handsome than before, if it's even possible…A strand of his coppery auburn hair, which even in slumber is perfectly wild, falls into his eyes and like I've always wanted to do, I brush the offending hair out of his eyes, eyes that when awake are the most enchanting thing in the world, a rare treasure. He's sleeping on his back, arms splayed, head to one side, like he does when he's been uneasy, like I have these past years. His wounds are wide open and his body is further scarred from something of recently unmentionable. It's fresh and festering. Still, he's beautiful, like he always was…at least to me.

I'm sitting in this large comfy antique sofa with rich fabric and dark wood that's beside his bed, with its back against his large windows. They're partially obscured by his magnificent curtains. I've found him, finally, at his apartment, in New Orleans, right in the middle of the French Quarter of the city he loves so much. I'm sure it tortures and pains him as much as he loves it for all the memories…of me. His bed is large and comfortable, full of pillows, blankets and warmth, yet I can see that he has been anything but. My knees are against my chin as I wrap my arms around myself, just watching, unable to do anything, sort of like he used to watch me sleep, all those years ago. Funny how our roles have changed, isn't it?

My hair is unkempt, in loose dirty waves, flowing much longer than it once was in my younger days. My clothes bear the haggard appearance of a traveler, a wanderer. They speak of many things of these past years, stories that I'm not sure if I want to tell. If I do, then you know I'll only share them with him. My body is weary, a little weak, more than a little tired and beaten, but I'm still alive I suppose and that's the main point. My hands have done things against their will. My soul is more burdened than it should, that it ever should, but I'm still here. And I've never been so glad of it. Knowing this means one thing that I still love him with all my heart and soul.

Outside the trees are bare, black silhouettes against the stormy night sky. It's a torrential storm, making the trees creak, the wind howl with wrath, the rain crash with vengeance, the thunder pounds like a heartbeat and the lightning flashes with vehement smite. It's behind me though; it's all behind me now.

It's the end of my journey and I want nothing more than to be with him…my first and only love. I remember back to the days when things, though complicated were simpler, when even through all the suffering, I knew one thing would always remain true, his love for me. It was that love that kept me going, that still does, to this day. We've sworn it to each other, made a pact that can never be broken, because our souls know its eternal truth. Remy was my light and he always will be. He was the one thing that overcame my darkness…he was the one who showed me how to live, opened up my possibilities and see for myself exactly how wonderful the world could be. He gave me, a person cursed forever and doomed to die horribly, hope and renewal. His gift was something more valuable than this Earth has ever seen and I've carried it with me since and even in my darkest hour it was there with me, showing me that I could overcome whatever that obstructed my path. In this way, it was because of him that life was worth living…so it's no wonder that my life has been missing and lacking something these past years.

But some things are meant to be constant, forever unchanging and our love is one of them. Rest Weary Traveler, yes, it's time to rest. I'm just so tired…and cold…and I know, like I did all those years ago, I need him and only him. So I discard my boots and snuggle into his warmth, his body underneath his blankets and I have never known such contentment. I sigh. This is bliss. I've missed this, missed him, so much, more than I've ever imagined.

He smells like heaven to me, I pull my face right up against his shoulder, cradled in his neck. I watch his breathing, strong, constant, and relaxed and feel it on my shoulder. I can feel his body strong and muscular, lean underneath my own, protecting me for all time, a soothing touch, as always. Almost instantly, his arms encircle mine, in an old reflex that I know they've longed to do for quite some time and I smile, drifting off to sleep, feeling right for the first time in a long time.

* * *

I awake to the scent of vanilla and cinnamon, her scent. It's a scent that's haunted me for so long, that finds its way into my dreams and tortures me with what I lost, so long ago, forever reminding me. So I make yet another wish. I wish that maybe if I were to open my eyes, I'd have my arms around her again, feeling for myself that she's close, that she hasn't slipped from my fingertips, so she would give me the peace that I've been missing for so long…I imagine that I'd see her unique, angelically marked hair sprawled across my chest in their glorious waves, soft and gleaming in the light, just like I used to wake up to in the late morning with her bare skin like silk against my own. My mind goes to a better time, a simpler time, blazed in sunlight, laughter and joy.

I'm afraid to open my eyes, afraid to lose this feeling. It's all I can hold onto now, isn't it?

But I can't do this forever and as harsh as it is, I can't ignore reality. I open my eyes, and I'm eternally surprised. She's here. She's real. God, she's really here, looking almost like she used to. She feels frail, weak, like she's been exposed. But still, it's her…and I can feel this hope seeping from the pits of my heart. It's still there after all this time, when I thought it had left along with her. I'm aware that my heart really isn't frozen over, it's not strong either, it's been broken too many times, but she's here and suddenly that doesn't matter.

"…Rogue…" how I have longed to say her most beloved of names.

She was always the one that gave me a reason to stay, a reason to live, a reason to die. She was the one who pulled me from the heart of darkness, of despair, the only one who could do so. She was the only one I ever willing let do this. She's the first and last woman I gave my heart to. Her touch set me on fire like nothing else ever has. She's the only one who can break it and repair it back up again. She's the only one who's memory alone has kept me going, the only one who I ever truly cared and valued. She was the only one who made me want to be better than I truly am. She was the one that made me think that maybe love was possible for someone like me. She gave me worth and cleansed by unworthy soul. I never knew what hope could be until I met her. I never knew that darkness was not what defined who I was, what my life was until there was her. I never knew that I could move beyond it before her and I never though I deserved something until her. I had never wanted, so desperately something in my life until her and I had never been truly saved before her. I had never healed from an accumulation of life's devious games before her. I have never given a oath so worthy or a promise so deep to anyone else. My soul has never been bound to another.

I have lived a life of torture and she was the only mercy, the only escape.

The air is cool against my exposed skin and outside the sky is grey and the rain in still pelting relentlessly like last night. The clouds grey, thick and unrelenting cluster and weep still, allowing but a sliver of cold silver light to pass through, but somehow that doesn't matter because she's here and time has no bearing because it's her and it never mattered anyway when she was with me. Only when she was gone did I realize how horrible and evil it is…how it eats away at you and gives you nothing but hours to think of every passing moment in the past, giving you nothing but new regrets. But no matter how much time passes, it doesn't matter, if you can have the one thing that matters above all else return to you.

It was love in every sense of the word, it was consuming and enthralling. It undermined my body and changed me in a way I'm still unsure of. I can feel it inside still. It's never laid still. It's always been stirring waiting and finally, it's fulfilled again. In her face, I see everything I have ever loved and more. I see that no matter what is disguised in the waking world cannot be dissuaded by sleep and that she has seen horrors and her blood has been spilt since I've been gone. She has not had peace and neither have I, what a pair we are. I've missed you, oh how I've missed you. Her body speaks to me of recent violence and battles, won or lost; it's hard to tell…but I don't worry about that for now. I focus on the fact that she's here…and for the first time, in years, something inside me is at peace, is content and it's more wonderful that I can describe and it's all because of her. I need her.

I want it like it used to be, I want it to be simple like back then, when our worries weren't worth a second thought because we had each other. I want it like those far yesterdays when nothing could touch us and this could never end. But mostly I just want her and this to last forever. I just want to love her, like I've always done…but I want more too. I want more than the pain of these last few years. I just want for us to be happy.

Staring up at the ornate ceiling, I hold on tighter, harder, refusing to ever let go, praying to God that this will last, please.

* * *

I don't know any of the answers to why this is happening to them, or even how it did…but be sure that I will know, and when it's time for them to come out from deep space storage in my brain, I'll write.

Crazy, huh?

Well, please drop me a line. I hope you enjoyed that.

simba317


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